We put a lot of unrealistic, artificial expectations on our babies.New parents seem to be surprised and disappointed when by 6 months their babies aren’t speaking in full sentences and independently potty trained. Okay, maybe I’m being a little extreme, but if I hear one more parent lament how their babies just can’t seem to go to sleep on their own or feed less than every 2 hours I’m going to scream!
THEY ARE BABIES!!!!
Did you really expect them not to need AND want you? Which, by the way, science has shown that what we perceive as a desire or want in our babies, is actually a need. I know this will come as a shock to some people, but your 6 month old isn’t trying to manipulate you. He hasn’t conceived of some complex scheme to overthrow you.
I love this quote by Mothering Magazine Founder, Peggy O’mara:
“Don’t stand unmoving outside the door of a crying baby whose only desire is to touch you. Go to your baby. Go to your baby a million times. Demonstrate that people can be trusted, that the environment can be trusted, that we live in a benign universe.”
To back this up, consider this study looking at the stress levels of 6 month olds when their cries are ignored for 2 minutes:
A baby who is deprived of its mother’s love for just two minutes is anxious about being ignored again the next day, a study found.
Experts in child development said that repeated episodes of stress could have a huge effect on a youngster’s health and on his or her course in life.
The researches go on to point out that this type of treatment from parents can go on to have long term effects on the child, even affecting his immune system.
That’s right, it’s not healthy to ignore your babies cries.
Nothing Bad is Going to Happen, I Promise
I am one who has never let her babies cry intentionally. Yes, I have 5 children. Yes, I have lived. Yes, at times it was hard and I had to give up things I wanted to do. Yes, it was worth it. I recently gave a presentation to a group of parents wherein I asserted that we have an epidemic of detachment from our children in this country. And in turn, our children are detached from us. I went on to assure parents that, “Nothing bad is going to happen if you are compassionate and respond to your child’s cries for help….I promise.”
It was bittersweet to have moms approach me after my presentation with the comment, “Thank you. I have really been struggling with whether or not to keep on letting my baby cry it out at night.” and “The Babywise book sounded so good to me, until I tried to actually implement it. I felt like a failure because I wanted to hold my baby.”
Ugh. Well, if I have to do it one parent at a time, I will, but when will this madness end? Parents are driving themselves and their little babies crazy.
If I were on a Deserted Island
When I was a new parent, and was stuck in a situation which had no obvious answer, or I had conflicting advice from well meaning loved ones, I’d ask myself, “If I were on a deserted island and it were just me and my baby, what would I do?” That question has helped me make the best decisions of my life. And, because I am Christian, I would also ask myself things like, “Would Mary let Jesus cry it out?” I am going to go with a no on that one, and many other dilemma’s I had.
Look mama’s….you don’t need methods, books, or techniques to figure this parenting thing out. Just listen to your gut. While your friends and family have well meaning advice, some of it useful, that doesn’t mean they are right. Every family is different, every baby is different, and everyone has different goals and priorities. You had your baby so you could love him, and he came to you to be loved. Listen to that small whisper, telling you to pick up your baby, nurse him, and love him to sleep. Stop torturing yourself and your baby. Love is a verb.
